Before I share this letter, I would like to tell you why I decided to do so.
It’s because even ugly, dark thoughts are apart of who I am and I’m on a quest to accept that. I’m giving this horrendous memory a place to live, because it’s a part of who I am.
Without further ado:
Dear Torre,
If you don’t have time to read this letter, that’s okay. Really, I think if I gave myself a few days I could probably figure it out for myself.
I have a habit of having far-fetched dreams and a not so good grasp on reality. That’s how I ended up taking a gap year instead of going straight to college, and that’s how I ended up here in St Gille Croix de Vie, France.
So here was the plan: I was going to leave the vineyard I was working at outside of Angers, hop on a bike, and ride to Bordeaux where I would then take a train to St Jean Pied de Port and start the Camino de Santiago.
I’ve made it three days into my cycling trip along the Atlantic. I’ve stayed mostly with people I’ve met through CouchSurfing, and they all ask the same, “Your alone?”
And sometimes I’m proud to say yes, and sometimes I think I’m crazy too.
Sometimes I’m crying because everything feels so real, and because there is nothing else I would rather be doing than wandering through France, and possibly making a pilgrimage into Spain.
And sometimes I’m crying because I’m overwhelmed and in over my head.
Today was the worst day yet. I got lost on winding roads through an abandoned marsh that looked like it would never end. It was suffocating and grey and the whole place smelled sour. I ended up on a busy road where I thought I was going to get hit by a car. Then I thought I wasn’t going to have a place to sleep. Then I thought I was going to get caught in a storm.
And now I’m alone in a hotel room and I don’t want to leave, and I’m afraid that maybe I just can’t. This weird and unexpected depression has happened. I don’t know what to do with it and it doesn’t feel like it should have a place in this journey. Challenge– yes, but this feeling is different. I don’t know if this is something I can overcome.
I felt it in high school too. I try to forget about it because again, I don’t know what to do with it. It doesn’t have a place.
To clarify: This trip has been absolutely amazing up until today. I don’t want you to think these negative thoughts are normal for me.
Do you think I’m expecting to much of myself? Is it worth it to make it to Santiago de Compostela? Will I regret it if I don’t?
Really I just want someone to permit me to book the next flight home, because all I want is to be there right now. All though I’m afraid that even if I left these feelings would follow.
I’m not good at being in one place and I’m not good at being one thing, and what I hate the most is the feeling of not feeling much of anything.
There is an idea that I’ve been thinking about for awhile now, the idea that we create the realities we want to live in. I found it in the people who inspire me, who seem to to be capable of weilding the whole damn world around them. I don’t know whether to believe in that.
I’m sure what I’m asking you.
Best Wishes,
Isabel Kelley
